weary.

My blog is like a body, and this body is skin & bones.

Time to get some meat on these bones! Yeh, yeh, you know I miss blogging. I really do.

I almost feel overwhelmed at where to start here. Ok, I AM overwhelmed on where to start because I have so much I want to catch you up on since June.

Let's start with why I haven't been blogging so much and what my life has been like this summer, especially the past few weeks.

Long story short, I am experiencing pain in my back, left arm and left leg. The pain started in April {actually at my grandpa Henry's funeral service} and has gotten worse and spread to other parts of my body (see above). I have seen my neurologist who oversees my muscle disease and he thinks this pain is nerve pain, something going on in my back and that it's a secondary result of my disease progression. He ordered an MRI of my back in June and it just got approved by my insurance last Friday, August 1st. I just found out yesterday what time the MRI will be on August 25th. I cannot wait for that day, for that next step to find out what's going on and how my doctor can better treat/manage my pain. In addition to the constant pain, both of my arms are weakening drastically that it's getting more difficult to do certain daily functions like brushing my teeth or eating a meal that requires a spoon. It's depressing, but I will not go down without a fight! When you hit bottom, more than once, the only way to go is up and forward.

I am so tired guys. I am tired of being in pain every.single.day. I am tired of dealing with it. I am tired of feeling frustrated to the point I cry. I am tired of getting anxious. I am tired of feeling defeated. I am tired of feeling judged for taking the medications that I need to. I am tired of feeling or at least thinking, that my body is dwindling. That my disease is progressing MORE as I type this. That maybe the things I hope to happen in my future, wont, while I am alive on this Earth. I am tired of being tired. I am so weary.

Isaiah 40:31

"..but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint."

However, I fight back. every day. I fight back with prayer. with reading my scriptures. with doing something nice for someone else. I fight back with adding humor in my life by watching re-runs of King of Queens or the Cosby Show. Ok. Peanut M&M's might enhance my negative fighting ninja skills. I am lifted up with frequent encouragement from my mom + friends.
I fight back with positive thoughts. I feed myself with affirmations such as:

I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I am a daughter of God.

(feel free to use this mantra for yourself)

I repeat it. over and over til I start to hear those words of life. until I start to believe them myself. to tap into that wellspring of restoration and hope.

I fight back by crying and sometimes, literally crying out to God that I need His help. If my troubles can't be swept away, then at least for comfort & strength that I can keep enduring what I need to. It's all either for my own good or for others around me to benefit from,boost up OR maybe it's a combination of both, but my life is of worth. My life, with its trials, are for God's glory. He has chosen me. He has chosen you. When I remember that, I am re-grounded. I truly appreciate my imperfect body, my imperfect life. I am given unique qualities that help build up the kingdom of God, just as you do too. I am eternally grateful for Jesus Christ, my Savior. Because of Him, I know that I can overcome my problems, not just my physical ones.

There is always hope. I see that, time and time again. Hope is such a beautiful thing. The following scriptures also come to mind:

Ether 12: 4, 6
"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

Blogging helps me. Reaching out to others helps me. Being part of community helps me, such as the blogging community, community on instagram and my church community. Thank you for being who you are and for embracing me.

Through the mess, I weed out the bad and find the good. the good little golden nuggets that shine bright, that help lead me home.