cozy comfortable

Happy Friday everyone!
What are you up to this weekend?

Getting back into the swing of things for blogtember, today's topic is:  

React to this term: comfort. 

Comfort.
I find comfort in receiving warm hugs, especially from my nana.
in laying down in my bed after sitting for more than 10 hours a day.
in sipping on chocolate chip fraps.
in listening to songs that flow through my soul.
in reading a good book that keeps my attention.
in writing a letter to a dear friend or family member.
in eating turkey bacon and scrambled eggs/omelets for breakfast.
in having my toes cut short and polished.
in holding a baby or small child in my arms & comforting them.
in going for strolls around the neighborhood when the temperature is in the 70-80's.
in seeing a hummingbird or bird pop by my bedroom window.
in making tamales as a family in an assembly line. (haven't done this in 5 years!)
in laughing at life's absurdities.
in praying.

And although I find comfort in all of these things, to be able to know comfort, you have to know being uncomfortable. Some things that make me uncomfortable are physical pain, getting weird vibes from people, sirens, yelling and fighting.

In another way, it's good for me to step outside my comfort zone and push myself to do things that I might be scared or unmotivated to do: like go up in front of everyone at church (not knowing that many people) and bear my testimony. Haha, yep, I sure did that a few weeks ago.  I also am needing to get back into exercising, the best i can, with the movement & ability i have, now. Someone ask me next monday if I done that yet, so you can help me stay accountable. please. :)

Going outside your comfort zone gives you permission to grow as a person. Sometimes, you might even bless someone else by doing so. Sometimes, you find out a part of you never even existed before.


What brings you comfort? What makes you uncomfortable? What have you done recently to step outside your comfort zone?

public love letters

blogtember for monday september 16th: Write a public love letter to someone in your life. (It doesn't necessarily need to be romantic.)

It's so hard for me to pick just one person. I love so many people. There are so many people whom I respect and am thankful for. I'll pick three lovelies, since three is one of my favorite numbers. 

*******************************

Dear Mom,

You are brave. You did a grand job of raising me & alaska. I mean, I think we turned out pretty alright :) I love that you instilled in us good values, such as always striving to do good in school. Having us do chores as kids helped us to learn responsibility but also that a family and a home is a community effort. I love that we always had a pet or two or three. I sure miss Cosmo, our very first Boston Terrier. What a tyrant he was that first year! Do you remember gravel? Our turtle who we thought was a boy and really he was a girl! As kids we didn't care about germs, we let gravel crawl across our pillows all the time! I don't know if you knew that!? I think you are creative. One of my favorite memories of growing up was making homemade pizza and renting a video from Blockbuster or Video Update! I am sure we drove you crazy renting the same movies every time{the neverending story}! See, mom, you were so patient and loving, and especially all the times I was sick with my asthma. Gosh, i don't know how you handled that. To more current times, I always enjoy getting to spend time with you when we get together. I am so glad we can bond over Rubio's hehe. I also like helping you pick out shoes, because no matter what type of shoe it is, they look good on your feet. You are a great example to me of genuine love, strength and faith. You are a beautiful person inside & out. Believe it.

I love you so much,

your sweet pea

Dear Allie,

It's amazing to me God's timing. And you know how the story started and how we became friends. I am so thankful for your friendship and how we re-connected earlier this year. Your support means so much to me and SO glad that we have girl talk. It's plain fun. Just being able to talk with you via email, or text (2 a.m.) or occasional letter makes me smile.

We should definitely plan tea time! Do you like blueberry tea? I love your openness and your example to me to just keep looking & moving forward with faith. Thank you for letting me spill my guts, even those embarrassing guts, without judgement. I wish we were neighbors so that we could bake gluten-free things together.

Love,

blueberry muffin

Dear Joe,

I am sure you could use a pick me up now? Maybe? You live in the next state over, hundreds of miles away, but I think of you often. You are not that far from my mind. I don't know how you do it, your business, with the endless doctor's appointments and dealings with lawyers and paperwork. It sounds so cliche to say that you inspire me and to say that you are so strong, but really, i KNOW you are so strong, stronger than me. I am a baby when it comes to physical pain. Your sense of humor is awesome*hehe and your taste in movies and music is spot on. I like that we have the same likes in those genres and that we can relate to them...indie flicks and oldies and art. Oh your art! I know you pour your soul onto those canvases and paper. Each one is so full of life & emotion. I am glad you have that as a creative outlet. Your artistic abilities are surely a gift from God. I am glad you didn't give up. Give up on life. Give up on God. Give up on yourself. You being here, even though you're not here in Arizona, is a blessing and you are someone that I can always go to. You're a handsome fellow with a huge heart (hello, cat lover and animal rights defender!). I know there is some honest woman out there who will pair well with you. She will make your heart fuller and your life lighter.

Love you cuz,

Britt

here's lookin at you kid

today's blogtember challenge is: self portrait

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am really honest and sometimes that gets me into trouble. Even being a loud person can get me into trouble. Maybe it's my sarcasm? I worry about what others think of me, especially my closest friends and family, but I try not to, usually in a fail. I always use two tissues at night time. When driving my wheelchair, I make wide turns. If I had millions of dollars, I would have a farm to foster and take care of rescued cats, dogs, llamas and horses. If I can help it, I don't run over ants, grasshoppers or spiders. My closet is literally called "the archives" because I own a bunch of filled photo albums, photo boxes and boxes with cards & letters from past years. My toes remind me of fat little sausage smokies. Those are good btw.

I believe in happiness. I believe in serving others and being kind. I believe in letting a few sprinkles shower you in the rain. I believe in frozen yogurt. I believe that a handwritten or typed letter is better than a text message or tweet. I believe that music can move your spirit. I believe that laughter makes life bearable in difficult times. Laughter is a form of medicine. I believe in love. that it's forever.

I believe in couponing. It's time consuming but it really does save me money. I believe in God and His son Jesus Christ. I believe in hope. Like Anne Frank, I see the best in people and believe they are really good at heart. Collecting quotes inspire me. Witnessing small, generous acts inspire me. Witnessing a loving couple show affection gives me hope. Making lists makes me feel productive. I believe in YOU.

February 2006: I signed my life for the better

Tuesday, September 10: Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.

The exact date was February 16, 2006. This was the day I asked my mom to drive me downtown to the hospital where I had no idea that I'd be staying there for 7.5 weeks. I had no idea how much my life was going to change. Three days later, I had a tracheostomy and became ventilator dependent. 24/7. I signed the consent forms for that. My now pulmonologist said if i didn't do this procedure i would maybe live 2 more months and at that point I was already really struggling to live. My CO2 levels were extremely high. All the doctors and nurses couldn't believe how coherent I was. I wasn't ready to die. I was 23. I saw the look of fear on my mom's face. Shoot, I was scared myself. I signed my name with faith that God was going to take care of me and trusting that going to be on the vent would be for the better.

So here we are seven years later and I am ALIVE! Praise be to God. I view my life as BV (before vent)/ AV (after vent). BV, I was {very} independent. I went everywhere by myself, scooting along in my wheelchair. I was a college student. I was young, more vain, trying to "find" out who I was and fit it with the social crowd. My days were filled with homework, typing papers in the computer lab, volunteering, shopping for the next cutest shirt, and guys, guys, guys were on my mind. On the outside, it seemed I had everything together, but no, that was not reality.

19 or 20 yrs old

From 2003 to 2006, my health was surely declining. After being hospitalized with pneumonia in the Fall's of 2003 and 2004, I kept struggling to breathe and sleep. After two different sleep studies, I learned I had sleep apnea, where you stop breathing when you sleep. No wonder I was waking up so groggy and with a massive, pounding headache every.single.morning. In 2005, I started needing to use oxygen through my nose and carry a couple extra oxygen tanks in my pink backpack whenever I went out, usually to school. Gah, I felt like an elderly person.

Back to February 2006, that first week of being on the vent was horrifying. I was in ICU that first week and then got moved to the rehab floor which proved to be horrifying as well; 10 patients for one nurse most likely. A few code blues, infection in my blood, waiting 45 minutes to go pee, a mean respiratory therapist, ya know, just another day in the rehab! I had to learn how to talk with the ventilator which was scary the first few times I tried. It seemed as though a mad rush of cold air was running past my vocal chords through my mouth and nose, I couldn't control it. My vocal and throat muscles had to re-gain strength. I worked with a sweetheart of a speech therapist to get stronger and be able to eat and drink normally again, but not before I had a feeding tube (g-tube) placed in my stomach after 2 attempts!

my friend colleen and I, 2006. I was at about 70 lbs

Since learning to live & accept living with a ventilator, my independence has been slashed by 90%. I can't go anywhere alone. This fact really depresses me sometimes if I let it. I would say losing that freedom is the most life changing affect of being ventilator dependent. You would think that have a hole in your throat, breathing through a plastic trache and having tubes attached to you is worse, maybe at first, yes, but I got pretty used to it and you deal with it. Honestly, I viewed those tubes as chains that locked me down in a prison and really, it did lock me down in a mental prison of depression. I had/have a choice to be grateful for the ventilator and for plastic as they both have helped save my life. I may not be able to go out alone, but I am still able to live my life and do things I enjoy doing. I am still able to celebrate life's simple, funny, cherished moments and get to spend them with my amazing family and friends. I still get to praise God for the miracles He has worked in my life. My faith and the vent have enabled me to keep living seven years and hopefully more, later.

cause you got personality...i am an ESFJ

day 6 of blogtember challenge. Take this personality quiz. Talk about my thoughts on my personality findings.

that's right! i do got personality and i like it. I am an ESFJ which stands for Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging . I took this quiz many years ago in high school and college and was an ENFJ. I guess I've changed a bit. I think most of the findings are pretty accurate, especially that I am a "guardian" of holidays and birthdays and am a generous in giving as well as "willingly provide service". check and I absolutely LOVE celebrating EVERYONE's birthday, not just my own.

Here are a few results from the website of my scoring letters:
They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls."

true that. I do wear my heart on my sleeve. can get me into trouble sometimes lol. oh my wounded heart.

Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive.
true. i am very nurturing. i'd my best to protect you or help you.

According this type, I would be good in the medical field or as an elementary teacher, which sounds cool to me because i have thought about being a teacher.

Miss Piggy gets me. we transform "Thinking in the service of Feeling" to wit. Two of my aunts have commented on my wit before. Not to brag or anything.

 "You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat
with knitting needles."
-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

Some famous ESFJ's:
Desi Arnaz ("Ricky Ricardo") What a funny guy!
Sally Struthers (All in the Family) She's pretty cool.
Mary Tyler Moore again, funny lady!
Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon movies, Predator 2) He's pretty cool!
Rachel McAdams! Hello! She's one of my faves.

Hmm, i am sensing a funny theme here! Maybe I am a comedian too?
again, enjoy this little tune :) IF you took the quiz, how did you score? Are we twinsies?

waiting to inhale

While I realize that this blog every day for a month challenge has already started, I want to jump in today because I really have no idea what to blog about. No snazzy outfit photos, no delicious recipes or make up to review.

I've been a fan of Jenni's blog for a long while, even though I don't read it everyday, I always come back. I've seen many a bloggy friend participate in #blogtember and I love to write, so here we go.

Today's prompt is:A story about a time you were very afraid.

Easy. Anytime that I've been unable to breathe. I mean like, literally, not being able to breathe. No air flowin through the airway. There are perks to being ventilator dependent such as having a filter on the vent to weed out the yuckies in the air. Or the fact that I can sleep with a pillow on top of my face (maybe it comforts me like that of when I was in my mom's womb?! haha) and I won't suffocate! love that.

However, a scary thing about being on the vent is that,
1. it's a machine. they can fail.
2. the circuit aka plastic tubing has many parts and sometimes they come apart or fail too.
3. it's literally like breathing through a Mcdonald's straw. That's about how big the trache is in my throat. Now, when my airways get really dry, that thickens the mucus which means the inner cannula, inside the trache gets clogged (super gross btw, i know) and my airway is completely cut off!

It's super scary to try to gasp for breathe when that's blocked, while I am waiting for a caregiver to change my inner cannula or squirt saline water down my trache to break up that dry phlegm. Those seconds feel like minutes and my clock is ticking. I can only breathe on my own, provided I am calm and not full from eating, for maybe 20 seconds.

With experiencing times like these, I feel So So so grateful to God for when i can breathe well again. I get stuck in a rut of thinking that the ventilator is keeping me alive, true, but in reality, God is the one who gives us every breathe of life and he's the one that keeps me going. This epiphany was made clearer to me through my friend HL.

and because i might have a slightly warped sense of humor, i leave you with this: