Friday, May 30, 2014

a not so graceful day

It's obvious that I haven't posted anything in two weeks. Frankly, this season in my life has been a difficult one. My emotions have been running high, my body in physical pain, my brain becoming exhausted and spiritually I am fighting against negative forces. I've been feeling like Satan has been attacking me, trying to sway me off the faithful path the past couple months, especially that past six weeks. He's trying to get me while I am most vulnerable and weak, but he will not succeed! I've received three priesthood blessings that have helped me to endure and give me comfort in my trying times.

My left leg has been hurting me bad the past seven weeks and it only seems to be getting worse. I get spasms, throbbing or sharp shooting pain. Now my back has been giving me grief for a week now. Some days are more trying while others are not so bad, but my pain tolerance is low, very low. I've been taking pain medication and my primary doctor prescribed me a low dose of baclofen, a muscle relaxer, but that doesn't seem to be helping much and I need the dosage increased to 20mg because that's the usual norm prescribed. This doctor doesn't really know much about my muscle disease, so I can't blame. I just can't wait to get to see my neurologist on Monday June 9th. He oversees my SMA (spinal muscle atrophy) and I know he will know how to better manage my pain and help me better.

On tuesday of this week, I had a not-so-graceful-day. The first part of my day was going great. I babysat little P. for a couple hours or so. I took with her with me to the pharmacy with my friend James. She behaves so well and is so helpful. While we were out at the store, she helped me pick out items that I couldn't reach. This is her nature: so sweet, so willing to help and so full of love. She randomly tells me all the time that I am her best friend. The sweetest! She begged me the day before to play games on my laptop, but we ran out of time. I told her she could the next day (tuesday). Later in the afternoon, I set up her games on for her to play Paw Patrol and happily she was content for a while. I went in the living room and watched netflix with my roommate sherri. Little P. kept calling me for asking for help because the screen would freeze on my laptop or somehow she clicked out of the game, etc. I started to get irritated and around the same time, my leg started flaring up. I know it's no excuse, my pain, but I raised my voice at little P. and I found myself getting mad at her for "bothering" me with needing help with her game. Poor thing, she just needed help. She wasn't doing anything wrong. Later, I snapped at James and he was only trying to help me (though I didn't want or need his help). I apologized to James for being snappy. He said he didn't even notice! lol. What a great friend he is to me.

I was getting frustrated because mostly because I was in pain, and even though sometimes I am physically tired from the muscle relaxer, I am and was more tired of hurting and dealing with this every. single. day. It's all taxing. This was the start of an emotional breakdown later that evening as I lay in bed staring at my popcorn paint ceiling. So many negative thoughts flooded my mind, but i combatted them with positive ones, telling myself:

"Brittany, this pain will not last forever.
"this too shall pass."
"God is with you. You're not alone. You have such a great support system. You have your family and amazing friends who love and support you."
"I am weak right now, needing help, but in Christ you are made strong."

I prayed and pleaded with God to help me. to give me strength. I said, "God, I need you. I cannot do this alone. There is no way. I need your help. Please be with me."

I tried to fight the tears, but they came anyway. I am glad. I need to get over this, "crying is shameful."

It's ok to be down. It's ok to feel sad and overwhelmed and frustrated.

I realized that I am gifted with grace through my Savior.
From 2 Corinthians 12:9, And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." How much this verse speaks to me!

He perfects me little by little. I am not perfect by any means. I mean, see how I reacted on tuesday.

I started reading this article called, "Those who are all different" by Elder Marlin K. Jensen from the August 2010 Ensign. I read the first page, and BAM! The tears started rollin, my heart was partially broken and yet, uplifted. It made me think about my life and how my muscle disease is getting worse as I type this. It made me think about how much tougher my life has been the past two months, but also the challenges that lie ahead. I thought about God's plan for my life and how my little life is part of his divine, great plan. In comparison, no doubt, I would gladly take these burdens rather than a child or young adult. I KNOW I would. Things may be hard, but I know I can endure them with the help of my heavenly father and through these struggles, I can see how my compassion and empathy will increase and that is a gift. Maybe I will discover my strength? Maybe I'll become more brave and more strong in my faith. I always love growing closer to my God and I think he loves that too. I know He loves me. His love and mercy is greater than any burden I may carry.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Graduation Giveaway with Alyssa of Impractical Composition!

I couldn't say no, when Alyssa of Impractical Composition asked me if I wanted to help celebrate her college graduation with a giveaway! She's worked so hard and hey, a graduation of any kind is a BIG DEAL, so let's help her celebrate! Congrats Girl!!!

A few words from the graduating girl!....

The days is finally here, it's the day I've waited for, for the past 6 years. I'm graduating today!! *raise the roof emoji*  I cannot begin to tell you how exciting and relieving it's going to be to walk across that stage. I really just hope I don't trip-but I think that's what goes through everyone's mind!

So, today I'm teaming up with 10 wonderful bloggers to bring you this graduation giveaway in hopes that you will enjoy today as much as me! 

Good Luck to you all!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Monday, May 12, 2014

5 little confessions

I feel like I want to bust of a box that I've been confined to
for a week now...and one way I can do that i typing up this fun blog post and linking up with Jacque and friends!

I think link-ups are pretty fun. not so serious. I've been too serious lately. Time for a little fun. I always enjoy reading other people's posts like these that give what seem like random details into their lives...stalker-ish much? ok, you do too?! great! :)

There's no set theme for my five little confessions, so here ya go:

1. I've been sick with respiratory problems for over a week. There's been lots of extra albuterol breathing treatments and naps. Last night I took my last dose of prednisone (steroid and tastes gross!).  I go back to see my pulmonologist tomorrow to make sure I am A-Ok. I am feeling better but not quite 100%. The many thoughtful prayers I've had on my behalf and priesthood blessings I've received are helping me. This past weekend I felt like I had an epiphany spiritually and I think that's helped my health overall, because being stuck inside has lead me to think of myself as the bubble girl.

2. The House Bunny, The Vow, Full House, Criminal Minds, Hart of Dixie and The Backup Plan have been seen this past week. *guilty mindless indulgences*. I just love Anna Farris. I don't watch much tv, but since being sick, I've watched more than usual.

3. I know over ten people who are graduating this month! From Kindergarten to Medical School. I want to give everyone a gift but I can't afford it, so a nice card will have to do.

4. I am planning to enroll through ASU online and take a class by August. I am quite excited to start school again (been out for 4 years) and work toward my bachelor's degree.

5. I can only drink organic milk. I did an experiment with different milks about three years ago. Soy, Lactose free, almond and it wasn't all fun.They all gave me stomach cramps and diarrhea! My stomach doesnt agree with regular milk. I am thankful my body can handle organic milk because I LOVE chocolate milk or strawberry milk (thanks Nestle Nesquik!) and I sometimes crave cold cereal. Mmm, multi-grain cheerios, fruity pebbles, honey bunches of oats or good ol corn flakes.

mmm chocolate milk
* no Nestle or cereal companies did not pay me to say the above. just my own opinion!

what are your favorite cereals? Have you seen any good movies or shows lately?

Thursday, May 8, 2014

what I wore thursday

dress: target, earrings: online boutique, ring: american eagle, watch: nordstroms

 Life has been lived behind the scenes lately. Some of you may have noticed that I haven't posted anything in like two weeks and there are many reasons for that.

One reason is that I've been sick with respiratory issues and I am on day three of taking a steroid to help open up my lungs. It's been a long week but to give myself a motivational kick, I got dressed in a new dress from Target #targetforthewin! and put makeup on AND my hair cooperated today! Yay! I am on a roll.

My steam is running low though and I'm feeling tired. I am just taking it one day at a time right now because I do not want to take a vacation to the hospital.

It's amazing how looking good on the outside can affect how you feel on the inside! It helps. it really does.

So, for you my friends, I bring "what I wore thursday" and how I did my makeup today.

eye makeup details:

L'oreal true match crayon concealer in fair/light w1-2-3 (used under and in inner corner of my eyes)
Arbonne eyeshadow in suede (all over lid)
MAC eyeshadow in orange (crease of lid blended inward)
Sonia Kashuk enhance eye color in aubergine (purchased years ago) (in very crease)
Stila all day waterproof liquid eyeliner in intense black
makeup forever aqua eyes eyeliner pencil in black
L'oreal lash out butterfly waterproof mascara in blackest black

I should also inform you that I finished reading "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Greene, last night. What a sweet ending. I thoroughly liked the book. It was an easy read, it is classified as YA (young adult) afterall, but I felt like I was part of the conversation, as if I was right there with Hazel and Gus. I am starting a new read tonight, "the book thief" and I can't wait!

and Happy Mother's Day weekend! I just had to take a picture with my nana today! :) look at her style. she's so cute. ThoSe are her sunglasses!