Friday, May 30, 2014
a not so graceful day
My left leg has been hurting me bad the past seven weeks and it only seems to be getting worse. I get spasms, throbbing or sharp shooting pain. Now my back has been giving me grief for a week now. Some days are more trying while others are not so bad, but my pain tolerance is low, very low. I've been taking pain medication and my primary doctor prescribed me a low dose of baclofen, a muscle relaxer, but that doesn't seem to be helping much and I need the dosage increased to 20mg because that's the usual norm prescribed. This doctor doesn't really know much about my muscle disease, so I can't blame. I just can't wait to get to see my neurologist on Monday June 9th. He oversees my SMA (spinal muscle atrophy) and I know he will know how to better manage my pain and help me better.
On tuesday of this week, I had a not-so-graceful-day. The first part of my day was going great. I babysat little P. for a couple hours or so. I took with her with me to the pharmacy with my friend James. She behaves so well and is so helpful. While we were out at the store, she helped me pick out items that I couldn't reach. This is her nature: so sweet, so willing to help and so full of love. She randomly tells me all the time that I am her best friend. The sweetest! She begged me the day before to play games on my laptop, but we ran out of time. I told her she could the next day (tuesday). Later in the afternoon, I set up her games on NickJr.com for her to play Paw Patrol and happily she was content for a while. I went in the living room and watched netflix with my roommate sherri. Little P. kept calling me for asking for help because the screen would freeze on my laptop or somehow she clicked out of the game, etc. I started to get irritated and around the same time, my leg started flaring up. I know it's no excuse, my pain, but I raised my voice at little P. and I found myself getting mad at her for "bothering" me with needing help with her game. Poor thing, she just needed help. She wasn't doing anything wrong. Later, I snapped at James and he was only trying to help me (though I didn't want or need his help). I apologized to James for being snappy. He said he didn't even notice! lol. What a great friend he is to me.
I was getting frustrated because mostly because I was in pain, and even though sometimes I am physically tired from the muscle relaxer, I am and was more tired of hurting and dealing with this every. single. day. It's all taxing. This was the start of an emotional breakdown later that evening as I lay in bed staring at my popcorn paint ceiling. So many negative thoughts flooded my mind, but i combatted them with positive ones, telling myself:
"Brittany, this pain will not last forever.
"this too shall pass."
"God is with you. You're not alone. You have such a great support system. You have your family and amazing friends who love and support you."
"I am weak right now, needing help, but in Christ you are made strong."
I prayed and pleaded with God to help me. to give me strength. I said, "God, I need you. I cannot do this alone. There is no way. I need your help. Please be with me."
I tried to fight the tears, but they came anyway. I am glad. I need to get over this, "crying is shameful."
It's ok to be down. It's ok to feel sad and overwhelmed and frustrated.
I realized that I am gifted with grace through my Savior.
From 2 Corinthians 12:9, And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." How much this verse speaks to me!
He perfects me little by little. I am not perfect by any means. I mean, see how I reacted on tuesday.
I started reading this article called, "Those who are all different" by Elder Marlin K. Jensen from the August 2010 Ensign. I read the first page, and BAM! The tears started rollin, my heart was partially broken and yet, uplifted. It made me think about my life and how my muscle disease is getting worse as I type this. It made me think about how much tougher my life has been the past two months, but also the challenges that lie ahead. I thought about God's plan for my life and how my little life is part of his divine, great plan. In comparison, no doubt, I would gladly take these burdens rather than a child or young adult. I KNOW I would. Things may be hard, but I know I can endure them with the help of my heavenly father and through these struggles, I can see how my compassion and empathy will increase and that is a gift. Maybe I will discover my strength? Maybe I'll become more brave and more strong in my faith. I always love growing closer to my God and I think he loves that too. I know He loves me. His love and mercy is greater than any burden I may carry.