Thursday, February 16, 2012

six year anniversary part 1

It's here! the day has arrived, today marks my 6 year anniversary of when I went to the ER and stayed there for nearly two months. I always feel a bit bittersweet about this day and the 19th of feb. It was a time when my life changed completely forever, though I didn't know it at the time. Life as I knew it would no longer be the same. introduction to the story click here

To better understand why i feel that way, i'll give you a little background.

Prior to being hospitalized, I was ALOT more independent. I was going to ASU full-time (on a scholarship that I won by being placed Az academic 3rd team).i traveled from my dad's house to school by city bus (1.5 hours each way). It was a race some mornings to get out the door on time! I used to go everywhere by myself majority of the time: to the store, library, movies. Besides having more freedom, i was unfortunately more concerned with myself: how i looked, what clothes i wore, how i did my hair, hanging out with friends, studying constantly. I was pretty selfish.

Yes, I appreciated my family and those who took care of me and were always there for me, but i didn't really really show them or take time to let them know how much they meant to me. I struggled internally because I was quite "religious" too at the time, yet questioning teachings and rules of the Catholic church (where I grew up). I explored Mormonism, non-denominational Christianity and even read about Islam, out of curiosity. I wanted to be a good daughter of God but also a good daughter to my parents. I felt conflicted because I guess i was trying to be on my own and do things on my own, which I did leave them out on cool stuff i did :( I guess I was trying to grow-up, but i didn't do it the best way possible. I neglected my parents, my grandparents and my brother.

Why mixed feelings?
Sad losing a big chunk of independence and thinking i had it "all", when in reality i was really lost//happy because i was found. I live for God and for those who love me. What can i do to help others? I am thankful for that experience.

"I am not who I was"-brandon heath

A great thing about being a believer in Him, is that you can start anew. He breathes new life where the old ways are just not measuring up. His love is constant and unconditional. During my illness, I realized (in a hard,painful way) that all of the above family members were prime examples of God's love for me. They never left my side(literally). My mom made sure that either her or someone else was with me at some part of the day or spent the night with me[i was completely scared and couldn't talk-i'll explain later]. Night-time was the worst time of the day for me. I was an insomnia, anxiety-fear-filled person.

I am sorry I am not telling this story in chronological order, exactly. I am jumping a bit ahead, but what I want to say is that one HUGE blessing that came from my illness was that God changed me, for the better. He took this "sad" event in my life and molded me into a better brittany. He opened my eyes to the love of my family that I was not accepting. Why did I fight it? He helped me to become more self-less and be concerned and aware of others. He taught me what love really is: putting others needs before your own. Not to be self-serving, but serving others. In turn, over the years since 2006, I am so much closer to my parents, grandparents and brother. I am not saying that I am not selfish at all, because i do have my moments (i am a work in progress), but I do love more whole-heartedly. I want to be there for them and all my loved ones as best as i can. I want to give back to those who stuck with me and to those who may feel lonely or forgotten. I want to pay it forward to those who have less than I do. I believe we weren't meant to live life "alone". Go with God and He will show you the way. Let love in, it never fails.

1 comment:

Myranda said...

You are amazing! I am so glad he gave you a second chance because you are an awesome friend. I am so happy that I "met" you :)